My search for purpose in work

When I was in middle and high school, my dad taught me enough mathematics that I was able to consistently perform well in school without having to try too hard. My somewhat coerced (sorry dad) dedication to the subject along with getting good grades in it meant that when it came time to choose my undergraduate major, mathematics was a natural choice. While this choice evolved over the course of my time at UofT (to now being math and philosophy with a minor in computer science), I would still say that I categorize myself as a math student.

With that being said, I often find that this categorization is the only thing that truly ties me to the field. I wouldn’t say that it is from a lack of trying - more that I have struggled to take advantage of my time as an undergraduate to become a student, and lover, of the discipline. This thought hit me yesterday when I was watching a video by 3blue1brown in light of OpenAI announcing that its latest model had solves hundreds of unsolved problems. In the video, he described his view of mathematics as being similar to a religion. He described committing himself to ideas, theorems, and proofs and understanding them as deeply as possible, through various senses of intuition, as a way of grasping their beauty, which got me thinking about how I view mathematics. While I would certainly say I have improved my mathematical skills over the last three years, I wouldn’t say I have been able to grasp mathematical concepts in the way Grant (the owner of the channel 3b1b) described his experience.

It goes without saying that everyone’s journey in all areas of life will be different. That being said, given that I am at a time in my life where, for the first time, I will have to choose a clear direction for my productive energy, wouldn’t it be great to be so passionate about something that it doesn’t even feel like a choice?

This takes me to the next part of my rumination, that being my ongoing anxiety regarding my future. Since entering college, while I did say I have improved as a mathematician, I have improved largely from a place of struggle. This has led me to thinking about my future through the lens of success and failure, which I often tie purely to my grades. However, when I began to think about what Grant said in his video, it occurred to me that putting such emphasis and stress on my outcomes misplaces where I should be thinking with regards to my future. More specifically, my anxiety is rarely ties to my actual understanding of math. In the process of worrying about the seeming rat race college put me in, I pushed the field I should be soaking up into the background.

Not too long ago, I finished a re-read of one of my favorite books, “Open” by Andre Agassi. The book’s narrative spans Agassi’s tennis career, but something that caught my attention is his relationship with the sport of Tennis itself. In the beginning of the book, he describes hating the game due to being forced into practice by his dad (I do not intend to compare our situations on this front). He then sees the fruits of his labor, becoming a multiple time champion in his early twenties. However, through his mid to late twenties, he begins to lose his spark and lose his consistency and effort. His life becomes unfocused, and he becomes depressed. What brings him out of this depression is recommitting himself to tennis, and having a great end to his career. Throughout the book, Agassi’s constantly states that he doesn’t know who he is, which I have come to realize that I relate to. My reason for believing this is that, if I truly know that I am a mathematician, my setbacks will not give me anxiety due to career failure, but will instead give me concern regarding the discipline I am dedicating my life to.

Despite Agassi hating tennis, refocusing his efforts and giving his life to the game saved his life. Regardless of my current relationship with mathematics and the uncertainty regarding how good I can be and the field itself, I believe that the only way I can make progress as a person is if I give myself up to mathematics, and view each problem as a puzzle to chip away at, rather than a question to complete for the sake of a grade. An obvious objection to this line of thought is that, if I don’t feel this curiosity constantly, attempting to manufacture it would be a fruitless effort. My response to that objection is that, as it stands, I have no other singular passion. I am incredibly distracted and, given that I have seen how easy it is to give up lots and lots of time up to distraction, I think it is worth giving something I am already fairly deep into a try. If I come to realize it is not how I want to spend my life, so be it. At least I will have ticked one thing off the list.

So, as of October 13th, 2026, Naren Ramesh, to himself alone, will be known as a “mathematician” that chooses to dedicate his life to understanding as much as possible about the related fields that have come to be known as mathematics.

p.s. fuck openai